I’m back and even more down than last night. As I sit here I am crying like a baby, shaking terribly and feel really nauseous.
I guess I should tell you what has put me into this mess, I will warn you now, to most rational people it is not such a drama and I am making a mountain out of a molehill or as my hubby just told me on the phone “don’t be silly, it isn’t a case of life or death”. To a lot of people they don’t suffer from depression and don’t understand the feelings of despair and falling into a big black hole that there is no way of climbing back out of.
What I am about to tell you is something I haven’t told my parents about, as my father would constantly go on about it and that is after having a go at me, and my mother, well let’s just say the least said the better, she would be understanding in her little way but that is about it. Grab yourself a cup of tea and sit somewhere cosy as what I am about to tell you will probably appear to be a storm in a teacup.
Yesterday was the first time I went out on my own for a fortnight as I have been ill with a recurring attack of Pancreatitis. I had a lot to do as I wanted to get a good hold on christmas shopping (I have managed to do most of it online). Off I trot to Argos, then Wilkinson, then Homebase and then Tesco.
By the time I reached Tesco, I was tired, flustered and felt like I had a raging fever and did not feel well to say the least. The car park was heaving and I had a choice, either park at the furthest end of the car park and walk or take the one spot at the top, which I foolishly chose, the reason, I was tired and couldn’t face the walk across the car park and then fighting my way around Tesco and then walking back to the car. I won’t be doing this again in a hurry.
The car parking space didn’t appear to be too small for my car, so I reversed in, I then remembered I would need to access the boot to put the shopping in, so drove out and then drove back in. Got out of the car and went and did my shopping.
When I came back out of Tesco (quite a while later) I noticed three or four people standing next to my car and the car next to it. I instantly thought someone had either tried to break in to my car or had successfully done it, so my stomach started doing somersaults.
When I got to the car a lady asked me if the car was mine and I said yes, she then pointed to her wing mirror which was in her hand and said that I had broken it, I immediately said that I hadn’t as I remember seeing the wing mirror when I drove in and it appeared fine. She then took me to the front of my car and pointed to the little rub mark on the side of my bonnet. Somehow I had managed to rub the underside of her wing mirror with my bonnet (would you believe that). I immediately apologised and phoned my hubby as by now I could feel another attack of Pancreatitis begin to start, the usualy pains began and I began to panic. Thankfully one of the lads that worked in Tesco who was a friend of my brother’s came out with the manager and asked if I was ok and began making a joke of it, I could have kissed him, straight away I felt a bit more comfortable about everything.
I have never been so happy as I did when I saw my hubby drive up. He then looked at the mirror and pointed out that no way had a done all the scratches on the wing mirror and pointed out the small scrape mark on the underneath of the mirror. There were some horrific scratches on the wing mirror, one was really deep and had obviously been dragged against a wall (hence the wing mirror was probably damaged before I came along).
My hubby tried to clip the mirror back on, but for some reason the bottom clip would not clip on properly. We came to the conclusion that the mirror wasn’t broken as there was no visible damage to the clips etc and nothing was rattling in the casing so we traipsed off to the nearest garage (which she chose, first big mistake) for them to try and clip it back on. There they were too busy to look at it there and then, and took the mirror off of her and told her to come back in the morning. So off we all went our separate ways, her with my name and number and me with hers.
By this time I was totally falling apart, I was close to tears and was having heart palpitations and I did not feel in control of myself. Somehow I managed to drive home and get the shopping into the house with hubby’s help. This is where I fell apart and had to take myself away from everyone and went to bed, with the words “I need to be ablone for a while” trailing behind me.
About an hour late hubby brought me a cuppa up and I felt a bit better. I managed to make tea and successfully stayed reasonably calm until bedtime when again I totally fell apart again.
This morning I had a phone call from the garage, the mirror was actually broken and it would cost £80 plus VAT and the cost of spraying it which would no doubt amount to nearly £200 (this was my second mistake), the mirror was NOT broken when we left it yesterday, but somehow miraculously it was now!!!!! I immediately gave them hubby’s mobile number and told them to speak to him as I could begin to feel the tears start again. The words which kept ringing round my head was “You should pay the lady before we order the wing mirror and then she will pay us once the job is complete”. (This would have been my mistake number three).
I left it a few minutes then telephoned my hubby. I asked him if the garage had telephoned him and said they had and there was no way he was going to hand any money over to the owner of the car, but he would pay the garage via debit card or cheque (in the garage’s name). He also agreed with me that it is possible to purchase a wing mirror and you just clip the casing on, hence we wouldn’t have to pay to get it sprayed (why should we when she had damaged it mostly herself and there was only one little scrape underneath off of me, it was only about a cm long).
Hubby told me he was going to the garage to sort it out after work and for me NOT to worry and to stop crying as I was being silly.
So, here I am crying my eyes out, wondering why bad things always have to happen to me. Just when something good happens I think I have finally beaten the depression, then “bang” back it is, twice as bad and twice as ugly. I here you all say, phone a friend or a family member and talk it through, but I can’t, non of them know about the depression. I have tried to tell my mother, but her reply is “I am depressed as well”. When I try and discuss it with hubby I get “why are you depressed?” , Sorry darling but if I knew that I would be able to sort it. At the moment I feel like I will be having an emotional breakdown any moment and just want to snuggle under the bed covers and go to sleep until God decides to play fair. I can only take so much bad luck and I think this was the final straw for me.
I have to go back out in the car tomorrow and I really don’t want to. I feel sick at the thought of it, but I guess I will have no option. It will probably not be as bad as I am thinking it will be, and hey I haven’t killed anyone (yet).
I suppose the next step is to go and get something to eat and deal with the dogs and washing and try and avoid crying anymore.
Anyone want to come to a pity party for one.