I know it is late and I should be sleeping, but after trying to sleep for two hours I decided to switch the computer back on and blog.
I plucked up the courage this morning and took a pregnancy test and it was a big fat negative (was expecting it really). It hit me really hard and I have been upset most of the day.
No matter how much I want to be pregnant, it never happens and I wish I knew why. I have been given the all clear fertility wise and the only reason for not getting pregnant we were given was hubby’s low sperm count, it is low but not drastically so. You would think after trying for 11 years one lonely sperm would have made it to my egg and fertilised it successfully (and stayed pregnant longer than 6 weeks). I have had several miscarriages, all around the same time (6 weeks).
Why is it teenagers can get pregnant, rape victims can get pregnant (despite all the trauma) and women who don’t want to get pregnant do…
I am 33 years old (34 in July) and with every passing month I can see the chances of my ever having a baby dwindling away. I love children, I would love and cherish any child that I would have. I would be a wonderful mother (even if I do say so myself). I have so much to share with a child, I want to be able to pass on my special Victoria Sponge Cake recipe to them. I want to make my wonderful (and calorific) fruit and biscuit chocolates for them (hubby loves them). Any child I had would want for nothing, they would have all the love they could ever need. SO why can’t I get pregnant (and stay pregnant). Have I done something terrible in my life to deserve this pain and anguish!! What have I done that is so bad!!! I have never taken drugs, have never been arrested, have never harmed anyone and am generally I kind and considerate person, I would do anything for anyone and would give whatever I own to someone if they needed it.
Every month it is the same, I ask myself “will this be the month?” and every month I have the same answer “NO”.
If I am honest I can’t see IVF/ICSI working, I can’t see myself ever having children. I don’t think I will ever know what it feels like to have a living being growing inside of me, to feel them kick and move around. I will never smell that beautiful smell of a baby, to hold my baby in my arms, to feel the closeness of breastfeeding, or have the honour of having their unconditional love.
I would do anything to have the honour of being a mother, it is the greatest gift God can give us and for some reason God has decided I do not deserve to be given this special gift.
As I write this I feel barren, empty and don’t understand why I was put on this earth. Ever since I was a child myself I have wanted to be a mother, wanted to hold my baby in my arms and to love and protect my child.
I guess it just isn’t meant to be!!!