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Possibility of Failure!!!

Right, I have just come back from the bathroom and noticed some dark brown blood when I wiped (sorry for too much detail).

I am totally freaked out and don’t know what to do, my mind is racing and I can’t wake hubby up as he is fast asleep in the spare room as he has to be up at 5am for work so have no-one to talk to.

I am hoping that this could be implantation bleeding but a big part of me knows that the ICSI has failed and I am not pregnant.

I know I should still stay positive as it may be a miracle and I am pregnant but I can’t. I have spent all day crying as I have been worrying so much about testing on Monday.

Could this bleeding be implantation bleeding, I know brown blood is old blood so that is something but I am dreading going to the bathroom again in case there is more and it is red blood.

I don’t know what I will do if I’m not pregnant, I am terrified that my depression will come back really bad and I won’t get through it this time.

I wish someone would make all of this better and tell me what to do. I haven’t really slept for three days as everytime I close my eyes I see a little baby in a moses basket looking up at me and my mind just keeps on racing. I want a baby so badly and don’t think I can cope with yet another failure after 11 years to failures.

My stomach is all shaky and I feel like being sick and am really panicking, I don’t believe that this is happening, how can it be happening, I have done everything I possibly can to make this work. I have done absolutely nothing for 9 days (since egg transfer) apart from sit on the couch watching tv and knitting. I haven’t even been outside.

Could someone please make this better and tell me what to do.

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Half Way

Today is exactly half way through my two week wait. For those of you who haven’t been following my blog and wonder what my two week wait is, I will explain.

A week ago today I underwent my Egg Transfer and had one little embryo put back into my uterus. I have two weeks to wait from the day of my Egg Transfer until I can do a pregnancy test and see whether my perfect little embryo has snuggled into my uterine lining and settled in for 9 months.

I have the found the past week really stressful. I have gone from being really positive to really negative and back again.

I have been taking my Progesterone Pessaries twice daily, so have been getting pregnancy symptoms which is a really cruel joke as I may not actually be pregnant.

The day after Egg Transfer I began getting mild period pains and they have continued. The strange thing is they alway appear late at night and early morning. I have been told that this could be a good thing as it could simply be the little embryo implanting. I really hope so.

The next week is going to be hell. I am trying not to do much so as to give the embryo the best chance of hanging on as I can. I have been lying on the couch and knitting all week, but am no getting fed up of it and am wanting to do things around the house. Hubby is not letting me and is telling me off for every little thing I do, ie putting washing into the washing machine tonight.

I have managed to do some Christmas shopping online so that I will be at least partially prepared for Christmas.

If the Pregnancy Test on Monday is positive then I will definitely be taking it very easy and will not want to be going round shops for hours on end and if it is negative I will be too upset to face the shops anyway.

I have been talking to my little embryo every morning and evening encouraging her/him to hang on and telling him/her how much he/she is wanted and loved.

I really want this to work and for her/him to stay with me as I do not know what I will do if I am not pregnant. Too me it will feel like I have lost a baby as I have really tried to bond with the little embryo which is a little baby in it’s early form.

As Liverpool is over to hours away the nurses have told me to test at home rather then trek all the way up there. I personally would have preferred to have gone up there but will have to trust them and take my Clearblue Digital Pregnancy Test at home on Monday morning.

The next week is going to be a loooonnnnngggg week and my sleeplessness is already starting. My tummy is all shaky and I feel sick everytime I think of doing the test. I have managed to keep the tears under control so far but can’t see that lasting much longer.

If I am not pregnant I don’t know how I will cope with Christmas. As it is I feel like cancelling Christmas if I am not pregnant as I certainly won’t be feeling like celebrating it. On the other hand if I am pregnant it will be the best Christmas present I could ever have.

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ICSI Update

You will all be pleased to hear that I have nearly reached the end of my 1st ICSI cycle.

A fortnight ago I went in for my 1st stimms scan to see how I was reacting to the stimulating drugs. I was told my uterine lining was really good but my follicles in my ovaries weren’t quite as big as they should be. So they upped my dosage of meds and sent me on my way.

Heswall

1st stimms scan

A couple of days later we travelled back to the hospital for my 2nd stimms scan and again was told my lining was good but again my follicles weren’t quite as big as they would have liked. They saw about 15 follicles in each ovary, one follicle was 18mm, one was 15mm and one was 13mm, the reast were less than 10mm, they like the follicles to be around 20mm for egg collection.

I was dreading them telling me they were going to cancel my cycle but was told they would give me a phone call later in the day to tell me whether the egg collection would be possible on the Friday morning.

Heswall 2

We were around half way home when the phone call came and thankfully it was with good news, they had decided to continue with the egg collection on the Friday morning and I was told all the information I needed to know with regards to taking my HCG shot etc.

2nd stimms scan

pre egg collection

Friday morning arrived really quickly, I waddled into the hospital with my very swollen stomach (I had not slept much as my stomach was so swollen it was causing a lot of discomfort) and hubby went to provide his sample and I got into my gown and dressing gown.

egg collection

I was so nervous as you can tell from the look on my face when I was in the egg collection room.

Liverpool Womens Hospital

The anaethetist had problems finding a vein to administer the anaesthetic but finally he found one on the inside of my left wrist, at this point hubby was led out of the room. It didn’t feel very long before I was woken up and was told it was all over. I was in a lot of pain and could hardly move. The nurses were a bit concerned at the amount of pain I was in, so was helped into a wheelchair to be taken back into the ward.

The anaethetist came back to see me and gave me some Morphine and some anti-sickness medication as I had started to throw up. Shortly after he came back as I was still in a lot of pain and not too good. It took a total of three lots of medication before the vomitting calmed down, I was so relieved as the doctor had started talking about my being kept it and I really wanted to go home.

Before we left we were told we had had 8 eggs which was really good and was told we would have a phone call on Saturday to tell us whether any of the eggs had fertilised.

Liverpool Womens Hospital

On Saturday morning the phone call came. Out of the 8 eggs, 5 were mature enough to go ahead for fertilisation, but only one had actually fertilised. I was gutted. I had really hoped to have had more than that, at least 2 so we would have been able to have the 2 embryos transferred and at most a couple left over to freeze in case it didn’t all work out.

I spent all weekend crying and feeling like the whole cycle had gone wrong right from the beginning.

On Monday afternoon we went back to the hospital to have the embryo put back in. The embryologist was so nice, she told me it was a really good day 3 embryo and was right on track and that it was definitely a little fighter. On Day 3 it should be at the 8 cell stage but it looks bigger than that so it has obviously grown a lot bigger than it should have.

Day 3 Embryo

The Egg Transfer went really well, there was no pain or discomfort and we saw the embryo on the screen so we took a picture of it.

It felt so surreal walking out of the hospital being technically pregnant, I still can’t quite believe it.

Day 3 Embryo

We have nicknamed it “popcorn” as it looks like a piece of popcorn and I didn’t like calling it “it”, “he” or “she”.

All we have to do now is wait for the two weeks to see whether our little popcorn decided to hang around and settle in for 9 months.

I will of course keep you updated on the outcome but for now I am taking it very easy and praying that we have a positive outcome.

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Beddgelert

On Monday, hubby and I decided to go for a drive out as it was such a lovely day and I was feeling quite well (for a change).

We found ourselves going round Snowdonia and finally to Beddgelert. 

The scenery was lovely and we had a lovely walk to Gelert’s Grave in the centre of Beddgelert
Beddgelert 1

Beddgelert 2

Beddgelert 3

For those of you who don’t know the story of Gelert the dog I will tell you the shortened version.

Beddgelert 4

A long time ago a Prince lived in a castle had a son and a dog called “Gelert”.  One day the Prince went hunting and left Gelert to watch over his son.

Upon his arrival back at the castle he saw Gelert covered in blood and came to the conclustion the the dog had savaged his son.  Distraught the Prince killed Gelert.

When the Prince went into the castle he heard his son’s cry and dashed to the nursery only to find a wolf at the foot of his son’s cot.

The Prince as devastated when he realised that the blood on Gelert had actually been the wolves blood and not his sons and he had obviously protected his son well.

The Prince decided to bury Gelert and named the village Beddgelert in memory of his faithful dog.

Beddgelert 5

Beddgelert 6

Just around the corner from Gelert’s grave there is a lovely stream which is very scenic and we managed to get some lovely pictures by it.

Beddgelert 7

Beddgelert 8

Beddgelert 9

Beddgelert 10