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Merry Christmas

I hope all of you have had a great Christmas.

My Christmas had highs and lows which is pretty standard in all of my Christmases.

The highs were all of my decorations and presents and having Christmas dinner in my parents with all of my family around me to take my mind off not being pregnant. The lows were remembering I wasn’t pregnant and for another Christmas there was no little baby crawling around or kicking in my tummy.

Anyway, here are some pics of my beloved decorations which get put up every year, what do you think??

Kitchen

Fireplace

Back Window

Xmas Tree in Living Room

Angel in Living Room

Candle Arches

Xmas Tree in Dining Room

Xmas Tree in Porch

My House

This year I got hubby to help me marzipan and ice my Christmas Cake as I wasn’t well enough to do it myself. He did really well for a beginner!!

Xmas Cake

On Christmas Day hubby and I went to my parents for Christmas Dinner, we had a good time but was really glad to get home.

This is my brother and nephew mid way through Christmas dinner

jordan and wayne

This is my sister.

sonia

This is my mum, dad, nephew and Zoe who is my sister’s cat.

mum, dad and jordan and zoe

This is my sister with her cat Zoe.

zoe and sonia

Yet again here is my sister with her cat. As you can tell my sister loved her blanket which I knitted as all afternoon she was snuggled up in it.

sonia and zoe

As you can tell she was not impressed having her picture taken.

sonia and zoe

And finally I set the table for our Boxing Day lunch.

My Table laid for Boxing Day dinner

All in all I had some lovely Christmas presents. I had loads of gift sets which I am sure everyone gets. I even had my beloved bamboo double pointed needles and circulars off of hubby along with a couple of knitting books and a knitting needle case for my circulars.

And of course I can’t forget my new digital camera which I absolutely love.

That is about it for now. I hope everyone had a good Christmas and I look forward to speaking to you in the New Year!!!

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Christmas Knitting

Firstly I would like to wish all my followers and readers “A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year”.

Now that that is out of the way you will be glad to hear that I have finally taken pictures of my finished knitting projects.

Firstly are the dreaded “Firestarter” socks. They were a nightmare to knit and I very nearly gave up half way through the first sock. I have never come across a knitting pattern with so many errors and no errata.

After all the hard work I don’t like them. I know the pattern was a freebie off of the internet but am I the only one who still feels that the pattern should be correct!!!

What do you think of the finished article???

Firestarter

After knitting hubby his black beanie and him not liking it I agreed to knit him another one in a different colour and different stitch pattern. I found this one on the “Socks for Soldiers” website.

It is a great pattern and so easy to knit (although a bit boring). I did wonder whether it would fit hubby as it did look a bit on the small side despite my knitting the “large” size.

You will be glad to hear that he likes this beanie and as you can tell he loves wearing it.

Beanie Hat

Sometime around the beginning of this year (well I think it was this year) my my sister decided to knit a fluffy throw. Now this is someone who does not have much patience so it was doomed to fail from the beginning. We found some cheap yarn off of the internet and ordered it.

After spending an hour reminding her how to knit and cast on etc she went off home.

The outcome is that she completed one whole square and a few rows of the second and had packed it away. As money is a bit on the tight side this Christmas I asked her whether she would like me to complete the throw as part of her Christmas present. She agreed and dropped off the one completed square and the remainder of the yarn.

I have spent the past few weeks knitting stockinette squares, they are so boring to knit and was so pleased when I casted off the final square and despite my hate of sewing up settled down listening to a podcast and sewed it together.

I am quite pleased with the outcome. I am a bit disappointed about the way some of the balls of yarn “pooled” the colours but it couldn’t be helped so I just hope she likes it after all the hard work I put into it.

Fluffy Throw

Now that my Christmas knitting is completed I have decided to get cracking on something for myself, all I have to do now is decide what to knit.

If anyone has any great patterns they would like to share then please feel free to leave a comment or email me.

I would like to take this chance to thank everyone who has left comments for me. I really appreciate them and it makes me feel really happy that I know someone is reading this blog (other than hubby). If you have any ideas on things you would like me to blog about then please let me know.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

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Pregnancy Envy

Why is it everybody else is falling pregnant and I’m not???

This evening I had a text from my cousin’s wife informing me that her IUI has worked and she is pregnant. I immediately started crying and went to bed.

I just couldn’t cope, I felt really angry that that should be me, not her, I have been trying for a baby for over 11 years and they have only been trying for just over a year. It is really unfair. Don’t get me wrong I am happy for them (well a part of me is) but a big part of me feels like it is wrong and I should be pregnant not them. I know I sound like a real b***h, but unless you have gone through infertility you won’t understand how it feels.

Why do I feel like this??? I know it is normal to feel like this when you go through infertility but it still makes me feel really guilty. Am I such a bad person wishing it was me announcing my pregnancy and not other people.

The past few months I am been a reasonably active member on a website called Fertility Friends . During the latter part of my ICSI treatment I found it really difficult joining in. The announcements from ladies whose fertility treatments had worked was just too much for me. Every time someone announced they were pregnant it felt like someone stabbing me in the heart. My heart just broke in two everytime I read the words “I am pregnant”.

Since finding out my treatment didn’t work I have not been on the website. I just can’t face it.

Two of the most difficult times for a woman going through Infertility is Christmas and Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day I cope with reasonably well, but this Christmas is being a nightmare. I just want Christmas cancelled. I can’t bear the thought of all of those lucky parents who have children to spoil and love over Christmas. I want a child to spoil and to see their smiley faces when they realise Father Christmas has been and they get to open their presents.

I luckily managed to get most of my presents off the internet, but have still got to go and do the odd bit of Christmas shopping. At the moment I just have the food to get and have survived the last bit of present shopping.

It took me three days to put up my Christmas decorations as I just couldn’t cope with it. Normally it is all done in an afternoon/evening but not this year. With every decoration being put up it felt like a piece of my heart was being ripped out and now that they are all up I just feel empty and hate the sight of them. I just want it all to be over.

I have no idea what food etc I need to get and don’t have the energy to even begin to work it out. I have to complete my sister’s knitted blanket and again don’t have the energy to work on it.

I must be feeling bad as this week I have attacked the apricot brandy twice and I never drink brandy on my own. Even this isn’t numbing the pain, nothing seems to numb it. Even now I am sitting here typing this with tears rolling down my face. I just want it all to be over.

A big part of me doesn’t think I will ever fall pregnant and stay pregnant, I feel like I will never have a child and it is so unfair. What have I done to upset God so much that he is punishing me like this???

It is now 01.48 in the morning and despite feeling absolutely shattered I can’t sleep, my mind just goes round and round and round in circles wanting to know why, why can’t I have a baby, what have I done to deserve all of this pain and of course I have no answers.

Whoever said “Christmas is for children” is right and without them I don’t want to celebrate Christmas!!!

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Some Knitting News

The past few months have been spent with my failed ICSI treatment, but I did manage to find some time to do some knitting.

A couple of months ago I received an email from a lady in America asking whether it would be possible for me to duplicate a Christmas Stocking which her daughter had. I of course said I could and set to work on it. It didn’t take me as long as I thought it would and I was really pleased with the outcome. I am also pleased to say the lady was also very pleased with the Stocking.

Xmas Stocking 1

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Just before the ICSI treatment began I did some spinning. The fleece I was using was some “Welsh Ewe” fleece which I had hand-dyed and decided to ply it with a ply of the same spun yarn in its natural colour. I still have some of it left to spin and am hoping to finish it all off soon.

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This is the cardigan which I completed a while ago but never got round to photographing. It is a lovely and light cardigan and I can’t wait until the Summer so I get a chance to wear it.

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My hubby surprised me a couple of months ago and asked me to knit him a hat, so off we went to Hobbycraft to buy some yarn. He chose two balls of Patons Inca which of course is very chunky and handwash only.

hat

After all my hard work on the hat he decided he did not really like the hat and asked me to knit him another one, which I duly did and will post pictures of it as soon as I get a chance.

A fortnight ago I received an email from the BBC asking if I would be interested in knitting a jumper for Roger Moore who would be appearing on “The One Show” on the following Wednesday. I of course got all excited until I finished reading the email which I had received on the Friday evening and realised that they wanted someone close to London as they weren’t getting the knitting pattern until the Monday morning and of course needed the jumper by the Wednesday morning. I had to decline the offer explaining that I lived too far away. I was totally gutted at having lost the chance of some fame.

I watched the show on Wednesday wondering whether they had gotten hold of someone to have knitted the jumper. I wasn’t surprised to see that they hadn’t managed to get someone to knit a full sized jumper and only produced a small jumper on an action man sized doll to Roger Moore.

Perhaps in future they will give more notice and I may get my five minutes of fame.

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ICSI Failure

This morning I did the dreaded home pregnancy test and as expected it was a big fat negative. I was distraught despite having been bleeding heavily since Saturday a small part of me still believed I could be pregnant.

I miss my little embryo terribly and it feels like I have lost a baby. Every day I spoke to my little “popcorn” and cheered him/her on and praying that he/she would stay with me.

Since Wednesday I have done nothing but cry and feel like my heart has been torn out. I really wanted my little embryo to have stayed with me and with all the pregnancy side effects of the Progesterone I was taking I truly felt pregnant.

I did everything I could to encourage my little “poporn” to implant. I ate loads of brazil nuts and rested for the two weeks. I tried to eat healthily, stayed off of my feet and drank plenty of fluids. I even tried to get as much sleep as I could which was difficult as I could not switch my mind off. I even listened to my hypnosis CD every night.

I don’t think I could have done anything different and don’t understand why it all went wrong.

Thinking back my ICSI treatment was full of complications from the very moment it all started so I shouldn’t really be surprised that it all ended this way.

Everyone is telling me that we can try again but after 11 years of trying for a baby I don’t know if I have the physical or emotional strength to keep doing it. I feel totally drained and am dreading Christmas.

Over the past couple of weeks I have managed to get quite a few of my christmas presents on line but there as still some I need to go and get along with all the food shopping, putting decorations up, writing cards and of course the dreaded wrapping of the presents.

I am giving myself the rest of this week to try and get over this and then will have to concentrate on getting organized for Christmas. Usually I am nearly finished by now and am just looking to relax and enjoy the festive period, but I am definitely not looking forward to to it this year.

Hubby and I have been offered to go to my parents for Christmas dinner but I would prefer to be alone as I have a feeling I will be quite upset and will not really be in the mood for trying to be happy and jolly.

If anyone has any tips for getting through all of this then I will be really grateful to hear them as at the moment I don’t feel like I am coping very well and my depression is definitely beginning to kick in. I am trying to stay on top of it but at the moment it is winning.

As for now I am just going to have to try and take one day at a time and hopefully I will begin to feel better soon.