This morning I did the dreaded home pregnancy test and as expected it was a big fat negative. I was distraught despite having been bleeding heavily since Saturday a small part of me still believed I could be pregnant.
I miss my little embryo terribly and it feels like I have lost a baby. Every day I spoke to my little “popcorn” and cheered him/her on and praying that he/she would stay with me.
Since Wednesday I have done nothing but cry and feel like my heart has been torn out. I really wanted my little embryo to have stayed with me and with all the pregnancy side effects of the Progesterone I was taking I truly felt pregnant.
I did everything I could to encourage my little “poporn” to implant. I ate loads of brazil nuts and rested for the two weeks. I tried to eat healthily, stayed off of my feet and drank plenty of fluids. I even tried to get as much sleep as I could which was difficult as I could not switch my mind off. I even listened to my hypnosis CD every night.
I don’t think I could have done anything different and don’t understand why it all went wrong.
Thinking back my ICSI treatment was full of complications from the very moment it all started so I shouldn’t really be surprised that it all ended this way.
Everyone is telling me that we can try again but after 11 years of trying for a baby I don’t know if I have the physical or emotional strength to keep doing it. I feel totally drained and am dreading Christmas.
Over the past couple of weeks I have managed to get quite a few of my christmas presents on line but there as still some I need to go and get along with all the food shopping, putting decorations up, writing cards and of course the dreaded wrapping of the presents.
I am giving myself the rest of this week to try and get over this and then will have to concentrate on getting organized for Christmas. Usually I am nearly finished by now and am just looking to relax and enjoy the festive period, but I am definitely not looking forward to to it this year.
Hubby and I have been offered to go to my parents for Christmas dinner but I would prefer to be alone as I have a feeling I will be quite upset and will not really be in the mood for trying to be happy and jolly.
If anyone has any tips for getting through all of this then I will be really grateful to hear them as at the moment I don’t feel like I am coping very well and my depression is definitely beginning to kick in. I am trying to stay on top of it but at the moment it is winning.
As for now I am just going to have to try and take one day at a time and hopefully I will begin to feel better soon.