ICSI Failure

This morning I did the dreaded home pregnancy test and as expected it was a big fat negative. I was distraught despite having been bleeding heavily since Saturday a small part of me still believed I could be pregnant.

I miss my little embryo terribly and it feels like I have lost a baby. Every day I spoke to my little “popcorn” and cheered him/her on and praying that he/she would stay with me.

Since Wednesday I have done nothing but cry and feel like my heart has been torn out. I really wanted my little embryo to have stayed with me and with all the pregnancy side effects of the Progesterone I was taking I truly felt pregnant.

I did everything I could to encourage my little “poporn” to implant. I ate loads of brazil nuts and rested for the two weeks. I tried to eat healthily, stayed off of my feet and drank plenty of fluids. I even tried to get as much sleep as I could which was difficult as I could not switch my mind off. I even listened to my hypnosis CD every night.

I don’t think I could have done anything different and don’t understand why it all went wrong.

Thinking back my ICSI treatment was full of complications from the very moment it all started so I shouldn’t really be surprised that it all ended this way.

Everyone is telling me that we can try again but after 11 years of trying for a baby I don’t know if I have the physical or emotional strength to keep doing it. I feel totally drained and am dreading Christmas.

Over the past couple of weeks I have managed to get quite a few of my christmas presents on line but there as still some I need to go and get along with all the food shopping, putting decorations up, writing cards and of course the dreaded wrapping of the presents.

I am giving myself the rest of this week to try and get over this and then will have to concentrate on getting organized for Christmas. Usually I am nearly finished by now and am just looking to relax and enjoy the festive period, but I am definitely not looking forward to to it this year.

Hubby and I have been offered to go to my parents for Christmas dinner but I would prefer to be alone as I have a feeling I will be quite upset and will not really be in the mood for trying to be happy and jolly.

If anyone has any tips for getting through all of this then I will be really grateful to hear them as at the moment I don’t feel like I am coping very well and my depression is definitely beginning to kick in. I am trying to stay on top of it but at the moment it is winning.

As for now I am just going to have to try and take one day at a time and hopefully I will begin to feel better soon.

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9 thoughts on “ICSI Failure

  1. hello, we have had 3 icsi failures. i am 34 and very much approach the process as ‘it will not take over my life’ however, i feel this meand that no one really understands how devastating it is.

    JillX

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  2. I really feel for you this must be so hard I truly understand your pain as i am going through the same thing. I feel like everything revolves around getting a positive result..its so hard. I really hope you get that there. Take care.
    Soph x

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  3. Hey, I hope you’re doing well. Like you I got a BFN (today actually… first ICSI), and you captured my feelings. I fully believe that someday your dreams will come true and your long awaited family will be complete. Take care, xx

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  4. Hi,

    My name is Pinky and will be trying for IVF/ICSI soon. It’s the male factor involved. Wishing you the very best. Be strong and take care. All my family members are in India so i am very nervous about it. My husband family is there to support him but for me physical pain i cant handle it. will pray for you to give you the strength.

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  5. Only those going through fertility treatments can really true understand the emotional and psychological pressure behind it… it doesn’t matter how well or hopefull we may feel doing the treatement it is alway devasting when we get the negative result. I had one IVF last year and one ICSI last month. Both without sucess… though I’m still very depressed about it, I have not yet lost my hope and I’m going to try again in September… I pray every day that everything will work out well this time… I gotta hang on on this hope… It’s difficult, it’s tough, but not impossible. The day I went to the clinic to have the blood pregnancy test, I met a lady who was 45 yrs old, it was her 8th and last procedure (due tto her age) and there she was happy and pregnant with triplets… isn’t that beautiful? if she can we can too… to all of you ladies, never give up and never loose hope… keep strong. May God Bless you all

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  6. i know exactly how u feel i just made my pregnancy test 2 days before and it was a big negative i really had a big hope now i am completely destoyed asif my whole life just stopped the moment i knew

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  7. What Can I say, only you can know the extent of your pain, my husband and I have been ttc for five yrs, i am now 40yo, havd first ICSI cycle three weeks ago 2days to the end of the 2wks wait started bleeding heavily, pregnancy test big fat negative…
    I still believe that I will have a child before I die, please dont stop believing…Good luck x

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  8. To all the lovely ladies who are waiting for their dream come true to hold a cute little baby on their own in hand…I’m one of them too. I’m 33 years old and am trying for the baby about 4 years. Had my 1st ICSI done in last month but got BFN. Having full period now and lost my 1st little embro who I spoke to few times to introduce myself as a MUM 🙂 and was telling to stay with me but didnt stay. All my X colleague and friends had their baby and spending nice holidays with hubby and the little one. Sometimes I ask myself or God if he is really there that why me is different than others…no answer. Didnt give up my hope though. So all u there like me dont give up hope.

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