Pregnancy Envy

Why is it everybody else is falling pregnant and I’m not???

This evening I had a text from my cousin’s wife informing me that her IUI has worked and she is pregnant. I immediately started crying and went to bed.

I just couldn’t cope, I felt really angry that that should be me, not her, I have been trying for a baby for over 11 years and they have only been trying for just over a year. It is really unfair. Don’t get me wrong I am happy for them (well a part of me is) but a big part of me feels like it is wrong and I should be pregnant not them. I know I sound like a real b***h, but unless you have gone through infertility you won’t understand how it feels.

Why do I feel like this??? I know it is normal to feel like this when you go through infertility but it still makes me feel really guilty. Am I such a bad person wishing it was me announcing my pregnancy and not other people.

The past few months I am been a reasonably active member on a website called Fertility Friends . During the latter part of my ICSI treatment I found it really difficult joining in. The announcements from ladies whose fertility treatments had worked was just too much for me. Every time someone announced they were pregnant it felt like someone stabbing me in the heart. My heart just broke in two everytime I read the words “I am pregnant”.

Since finding out my treatment didn’t work I have not been on the website. I just can’t face it.

Two of the most difficult times for a woman going through Infertility is Christmas and Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day I cope with reasonably well, but this Christmas is being a nightmare. I just want Christmas cancelled. I can’t bear the thought of all of those lucky parents who have children to spoil and love over Christmas. I want a child to spoil and to see their smiley faces when they realise Father Christmas has been and they get to open their presents.

I luckily managed to get most of my presents off the internet, but have still got to go and do the odd bit of Christmas shopping. At the moment I just have the food to get and have survived the last bit of present shopping.

It took me three days to put up my Christmas decorations as I just couldn’t cope with it. Normally it is all done in an afternoon/evening but not this year. With every decoration being put up it felt like a piece of my heart was being ripped out and now that they are all up I just feel empty and hate the sight of them. I just want it all to be over.

I have no idea what food etc I need to get and don’t have the energy to even begin to work it out. I have to complete my sister’s knitted blanket and again don’t have the energy to work on it.

I must be feeling bad as this week I have attacked the apricot brandy twice and I never drink brandy on my own. Even this isn’t numbing the pain, nothing seems to numb it. Even now I am sitting here typing this with tears rolling down my face. I just want it all to be over.

A big part of me doesn’t think I will ever fall pregnant and stay pregnant, I feel like I will never have a child and it is so unfair. What have I done to upset God so much that he is punishing me like this???

It is now 01.48 in the morning and despite feeling absolutely shattered I can’t sleep, my mind just goes round and round and round in circles wanting to know why, why can’t I have a baby, what have I done to deserve all of this pain and of course I have no answers.

Whoever said “Christmas is for children” is right and without them I don’t want to celebrate Christmas!!!

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