Today the worst thing that could happen happened to me, I had a miscarriage at nearly six weeks pregnant.
The exciting news was supposed to be my announcing I was pregnant, but it was not meant to be.
This morning I began bleeding and by teatime it was all over.
The trademark pulling pains which feel like someone is trying to pull your uterus out of your cervix along with the cramping and then the final stage of passing the tiny grey foetal sac in a very large blood clot (sorry for being gross).
I am devastated 😥
I had been putting off the pregnancy test until tomorrow which for some reason had been the day we had decided was safe enough to actually have a positive test. Now I wish I had done it last week, at least I would have had some time to have enjoyed being pregnant instead of not being sure.
All I can think now is what did I do wrong, was it all the walking I did on Saturday, was it because I processed and touched raw sheep’s fleece, the what if’s are endless.
I have spent most of the days in tears and the other half being really snappy and disbelief. At the moment I just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a long time.
Hubby spoke to Liverpool with regards to our next cycle of ICSI this afternoon. I am not sure whether I am going to be strong enough to go through the treatment but it is what hubby wants and we agreed that we would.
It’s not the treatment itself so much (although it is very gruelling) but the thought of it failing and having to go through this all over again. I know I should be positive but it is really difficult to do when I have just lost another baby. I had just started to get over losing my little “popcorn” in December. I have only just gotten the strength together to finish sewing the little bear together and he looks really cute sitting in my living room where I can see him every day.
I feel empty inside again and it feels like a piece of me is missing. I just don’t believe it has happened again and I don’t understand why these little babies don’t want to stay with me. Perhaps I don’t deserve a baby, perhaps I am such a horrible person they don’t want me to be their mummy.
Last week I was constantly dreaming about a little girl with long strawberry blonde hair. She was lost and was crying and was covered in dirt but no matter how hard I tried to get to her to hold her and tell her it was okay I couldn’t, she just seemed to get further and further away from me. Perhaps this dream was telling me what the outcome would always be. I now feel like no matter how hard I chase my little baby it will always be out of reach…