Why is life so crap????????
Yesterday morning my father came to see me all excited with the news that his nephew’s wife had given birth to twins. He went on and one about how pleased he was for them and what great news it was, blah, blah, blah.
All I could think was “BITCH”, “why isn’t it me”. I know that I sound like the bitch here BUT they went through medicated donor IUI exactly the same time as I went through my last ICSI cycle. You guessed it their first try worked and my second try at ICSI did not. To make it worse they had only been trying for 18 months as they then found out they would need a donor. I on the other hand have been trying for 12 YEARS, had six cycles of medicated IUI, 6 cycles of Clomid, months and months and months of charting my BBT, used ovulation kits, even had a lap and dye test and not forgetting the 10 miscarriages and the 2 failed ICSI cycles.
Life is just so unfair. This last ICSI cycle really hit me hard as I went into it before I had fully come to terms with the failure of the previous ICSI cycle and the miscarriage which proceeded it. Everyone else seems to have just forgotten that it is still just over a month ago that the cycle failed. I am due to start my periods any day and am going through major PMT at the moment.
I of course had to say what great news it was and how pleased I am for them and act as if it was the best news in the world when all I wanted to do was curl up and cry. Of course I am pleased for them but it would really help if people had a bit more tact when they tell me these things and perhaps even thought how tough hearing news like that would be for me.
As I am writing this I am breaking my heart crying as hubby and I have just had words on the phone as even he doesn’t understand how bad these things are affecting me.
I cannot imagine my growing old without children but at the moment I don’t think I can cope with the tests which I have to go through. One of which is a biopsy of my uterine lining which is done whilst I am wide awake and without any pain medication. I also don’t know if I can cope with keeping trying for a baby.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have told hubby how I feel and he has simply said that we will stop trying then, as if that answer is so easy. I don’t know how I can live without a child and I also don’t know how I am going to keep trying for a child. Catch 22.
On top of all of this I have just had an email from a lady whom I have been machine knitting a cardigan for. She liked the pink lace cardigan in my Etsy store and asked me to knit it bigger. I have spent all week knitting this cardigan and invoiced her for the cost of the cardigan ($30), the cost of the postage and a fee of $20 to cover the cost of the wool and the hour spent re-working the pattern to her size. A grand total of $64 (£34ish). She had paid me through Paypal and then sent me the email stating that she was not happy having to pay the extra $20. I have replied back to her explaining that in total it should have cost in excess of $147 (£90) so she was getting it at more than half price and if she was not happy I would refund her and try and sell the cardigan in my Etsy store.
So far I have not heard back from her.
I have worked it out that I will have spent in excess of 15 hours work on the cardigan and been paid £20 for it. This makes it just over a pound an hour. Definitely below the mandatory hourly pay rate………
Sorry, I feel better after that :))
Well, I will love you and leave you now that I have burdened you with my problems and will have to try and make up with hubby once he gets home from work. Just as well I am hardly going to see him this week as I have a feeling my PMT is going to be really bad and the best thing I can do is spend plenty of time on my own………….