Why is it that in some families one of the children will always be the “black sheep” whether they deserve it or not???
The past couple month has been a nightmare. Firstly there was the “death threat” answer machine message, then there was someone targetting my Etsy shop and leaving me not very nice messaages and then there was someone actually targetting me via this blog (again leaving nasty comments). All in all I had to work out whether I still wanted to continue with my Etsy shop and this blog. You will be glad to hear that I decided to continue and to not let the nasty people out there get there way.
Once all of this was dealt with I ended up being the black sheep of my family (yet again). I have had to put some thought in how I was going to blog about this as my family didn’t want me to mention it on my blog, SO…..I have decided to blog about it indirectly.
Most of you will know that I have been trying for a baby since 1997 and have gone through numerous cycles of IUI, Clomid, BBT, various natural pills and potions and finally the 2 cycles of ICSI and of course not forgetting the ten miscarriages.
All of this has left me having to avoid pregnant women and very young babies. I say HAVING TO as it is the only way I have learnt that I can stay reasonably sane and not end up a blubbering wreck in the middle of the supermarket.
I find seeing pregnant women and young babies very upsetting, SO, when I see them I turn around quickly and walk the other way and generally due my best to avoid them. This works for me and after speaking to various other infertile women on Fertility Friends I have realised that it is not just me that has this as their coping strategy..
What has this got to do with your being the “black sheep of the family” I hear you say!!! Well…something has happened in my family which means I am going to be coming into contact with a young baby and this set my depression off in a drastic way…I basically had a small emotional breakdown…I tried to explain to my family how I cope with seeing babies and pregnant women and how I was not sure how I was going to cope with it…My honesty therefore labelled me as being stupid, uncaring, and basically being awkward.
I have hardly spoken to my family since which has upset me drastically as I now feel like the only way I am going to be able to continue on an even keel (emotionally) is to stay clear and keep my distance as they clearly do not understand “infertility”. They have stated that they are aware how much I want a child and should simply “adopt” (as if this is the answer). I was also told that I had not had ten miscarriages and they were just late periods (nearly two months late in a couple of instances).
The conversation I had which all of this came out was over a fortnight ago and it is still affecting me as my depression has struck severely and I now feel alone (apart from hubby who was very understanding)and that my family obviously do not understand how devastating infertility can be.
No matter what happens in my family it is “always” my fault, it has been like this since I was a child, it is always me being awkward, or spiteful, no matter what the situation is.
As the situation now stands I feel like I need to keep my distance from my family, at least until I can get my depression dealt with as I don’t have the physical or mental strength to cope with anymore arguments.
I know that I am going to have to come to terms with having to see babies etc and I can’t spend the rest of my life hiding from them, but at the moment it is something I just can’t do and I really need to concentrate on keeping myself sane and building my mental and physical strength back up…
All of this stress has had a detrimental effect on my health, for the past couple of weeks I have been getting terrible stabbing pains in my left side where my ribs are along with getting shortness of breath. This has been coming and going and I should really go and see my GP but trying to get an appointment is like mining for gold and to be honest I really can’t be bothered telephoning my surgery every morning trying to get an appointment as they don’t have pre-booked appointments anymore apparently and along with everyone else have to phone after 8.30am to get an appointment.
As for now all I can do is concentrate on beating this depression again which is more difficult to do at the moment as yet again I have found out I am not pregnant and have to suffer with severe period pains alongside all the other aches and pains…..