Three weeks ago, I went to Shrewsbury to see my cousin and his 3 month old twins (also so pick up some yummy alpaca fleeces, but more on that another time!!)
This is the first time I have had to come face to face with babies since we began trying for a baby twelve years ago. I was really nervous and wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to cope with having to coo over them and the possibility of holding them etc.
As it happened, I did not really get much choice as I had only been there for 5 minutes when my cousin’s wife handed me the baby girl whilst she carried the little boy into the house….I was slightly taken aback, but this was the perfect thing to get me over my nervousness of how I was going to cope.
My father and cousin instantly looked at me to make sure I was okay, but as I had no choice but to hold this little bundle of joy I had to nod and say I was okay…
The rest of the afternoon I constantly had one of the twins in my arms, and even had to feed the little girl and wind her. I was so sad when I had to leave as I just wanted to bring them home with me.
Once I got home, it all hit me and I plummeted into depression. For the next week I just cried and hid away. The reality of my not having a baby and the thought of never having one hit me hard, along with wishing all the babies I have lost were here with me. Hubby did not really know what to say to me and to be truthful I really did not know what I wanted to hear. I guess there was nothing that anyone could say which would make me feel better.
Last week I had a telephone call telling me that my cousin and the twins were down, so of course I felt like I had to go to my parents to see them. This time I had hubby with me and I was a bit moe prepared for how I would feel afterwards.
As it happened there was a houseful as my sister and her boyfriend turned up, so it wasn’t upto me to continuously hold one of the babies.
As you can see they are a gorgeous pair of babies.
As you can tell, hubby and my sister had their photos taken, but once the twins had gone my father pointed out that my photo had not been taken with them
I really enjoyed seeing them both again and this time it did not upset me half as much as the first time, although hubby was slightly upset as this was again the first time he had come so close to babies.
All of this has made us both realise how much we want a baby and in my case twins. I would love to have a baby girl and baby boy as then I would not have to go through all the fertility treatment and infertility in general all over again.
If I can’t have a baby I don’t know what I will do and just the thought of it starts to bring on my depression and makes me sooooo upset.
Hubby was so patient with the twins and my cousin and his wife both said I was a natural with the twins and would make a wonderful mother. Even I was surprised at how natural I found everything, from feeding to winding to calming them down when they started crying. The only thing I didn’t do was change the nappies, this I left to the parents as I am sure I will have plenty to go through when I have a baby of my own…….hopefully.