I feel terrible that I haven’t blogged for over a month, but life has really been hard and I have had difficulty trying to cope with it.
The beginning of October marked the anniversary of the first baby which I miscarried back in 1997. Every year it hits me really hard and I always suffer severe depression around that time of the year and this year was no different. Or maybe it was….Having to cope with the anniversary was difficult enough but this year I also had to cope with finding out I wasn’t pregnant (yet) again and also my sister showing her pregnancy scan pictures and my family cooing over them.
I have always felt guilty over the miscarriage as I feel it was my fault. The reason I feel it is my fault is that I climbed on the toilet seat to close the bathroom window and I fell. The guilt has always been with me over this and I feel that it always will. I know it was an accident and I also know that I shouldn’t have climbed up but it was freezing in the flat and I was there on my own until the morning, so really had no choice. I deeply regret my actions and wish I could turn back time and not do it.
Since then I have had numerous miscarriages but none of them affect me as much as the first, perhaps it is because I feel it was my fault, or perhaps it was because it was the first, I don’t know.
I have also been finding it more difficult to cope with my sister’s pregnancy…there has been arguments in the family about how I am coping with the matter and my parents feel that I am in the wrong for being so upset about it. I have tried my best to show an interest, but everytime I think about it it hurts so much and I have to try and stop myself from crying. As she has begun showing I am finding it increasingly difficult to see her as it feels like a slap in the face everytime I see her.
All I can think is that it is so unfair that it isn’t me pregnant. By rights it should be me as I am married and settled down and have been trying for a baby since 1997 and not forgetting all the babies I have lost. I know that this may sound selfish to the majority of you, but I have been assured from friends who are going through infertility that I am not and I have every right to feel like this and however I feel is okay. If only my family could understand this….
I know that the closer she gets to her due date the more depressed I am going to get and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it as my parents keep informing me of the latest scan/baby items bought etc etc. Oh by the way last week I had 2 texts informing me she was having a girl, both from family who should know better.
I really don’t know how to get through to my family that it is not always okay to shove this pregnancy news down my throat as I am not always feeling strong enough to cope with it.
The other reason I have not blogged is that 3 weeks ago I fell down the stairs (my eldest dog tripped me up whilst coming down them) and I hurt my back. Since it didn’t hurt too much I carried on with life as normal..big mistake….a week later as I was climbing out of the shower I managed to twist my back and it totally gave out on me.
I have spent the past fortnight lying on the couch not able to move without being in agonising pain (even when not moving)…I have taken so many painkillers and anti-inflammatories it is surprising that I am still alive.
You will be glad to hear that I have now managed to cut back on the painkillers so that I am only taking them when I wake up and before I go to sleep. Every few days I wake up and the pain is back but definitely not to the extent of a fortnight ago. I have been told that it will take quite a while for it too heal properly and I should still take it easy and watch what I am doing as it could well go again if I am not careful.
Of course I did not listen and on Friday I went out for the day to Cheshire Oaks to buy a new laptop as mine was acting up and was not suitable for the amount of work I do on it (it really could not cope as it kept locking up every 10 minutes). Hubby and I walked around Cheshire Oaks bought the laptop and then went over to Sealand Park to Hobbycraft as we had to wait for the manager of Toshiba to turn up to upgrade the memory on my new laptop. We then went back to Cheshire Oaks had some food and went back to get the memory upgrade.
This is all I did, but by the time I got home I was in agony with my back (this was the first I had been out in a fornight). All weekend I have had to rest up but today my back was bad again and yet again I had to rest up.
I am really hoping that it will get better soon as it is a nuisance as I can’t do much. I have some knitting orders to complete and also 4 beaded necklaces to make. The knitting isn’t such a problem now as I can sit and knit for a while but the necklaces are going to be a problem as it involves a lot of bending over the tray to do make the necklaces, so I think I am going to have wait until next week before I try and do them.
I think that is about it for now…I promise to blog a bit more regularly now that I have got my new laptop (now that it is working) but I will blog about that next time…..