Wanting a Baby!!!!

Last night I found out that I wasn’t pregnant (again)!!!

I was a couple of days late this cycle and for some reason I had gotten it in my head that I was pregnant. I don’t know why, but I put down my not feeling very well and the weight gain the past month down to being pregnant.

As you can imagine I was devastated when I began bleeding last night and then woke up early hours of this morning in agony with period pains. I told my hubby and he didn’t say much!!! I know he is upset as well and says he doesn’t know what to say to make me feel better, but I really wish he would say something…the silence makes me feel so alone and I feel like I have no-one to tell how I feel.

Men deal with infertility in their own way, my hubby copes by not speaking about it…this annoys me because if he doesn’t tell me how he feels then I don’t know what to think or how to make him feel better and again I feel like I am going through it all alone.

If there are any men out there who are going through infertility with their wives/girlfriends, please talk to your wife/girlfriend….we need to know how you are feeling and we need to go through this as a couple.

My hubby and I have been trying for a baby since July 1997…13 years ago. I have had ten miscarriages in this time and 2 failed ICSI cycles.

We have had all the tests and procedures to try and find out the reason for our infertility and the only thing the doctors have comes up with is hubby’s low sperm count. This does not explain why the ICSI did not work…or why I keep miscarrying.

There is only one last procedure which we haven’t had done and that is for me to have a uterine biopsy…this is to try and find out why the embryos are not implanting properly. The procedure is very expensive and we have to pay privately to have it done.

I have been putting off having this procedure for quite a few months but cannot put it off any longer. Once I stop bleeding then I have to take a ovulation test daily to see when I ovulate, then I telephone the hospital and arrange for the biopsy. It is going to be painful and I am terrified of having it done. I find a smear test painful, so this is going to be a lot worse.

A few years I had to have a HSG test done, actually I had it done 3 times and the last time had to be stopped as it was too painful, so I went for the Lap and Dye instead…the results were clear and there was nothing wrong with uterus etc.

Once I have had the biopsy done we will have to pay privately to see our consultant to get the results of hubby’s last sperm test which had gone to America for testing…the results of these last tests will define what we do next.

A lot of people have asked me why we don’t adopt? It is a good question and I know a lot of people have adopted children but personally I want to go through pregnancy…I want to feel the baby growing inside of me and that bond. If we adopt I am scared of not bonding with the child. Also I want a baby and I know there is a shortage of babies for adoption.

Wanting a baby is on my mind 24/7 365 days a year…there are babies everywhere…on the internet, on the tv, in the shops etc…there is no way of avoiding them…everytime I see a baby I feel like crying (and many a time I do go and cry)…

Life can be so cruel and I often wonder what I have done that is so bad that I don’t deserve a baby. I wish I knew!!!

If you are reading this and are going through infertility, please know that you are not alone…those feelings you have when you see a baby or a pregnant woman are normal, you are not going mad. Feeling jealous when a friend or someone you know falls pregnant is totally normal. I wish I could tell you how to cope but I can’t (if you know the answer please tell me). I suffer from depression and infertility definitely makes it a lot worse.

All I can suggest is that you do what you need to do to protect yourself from the hurt…people may tell you to be strong and not to be so weak, these people do not know what they are talking about, if they did they would not say it. You are strong if you weren’t then you wouldn’t have gotten this far through your infertility journey.

One last thing I will say is that you are not alone, if you need to talk then please email me and I will help you as much as I can….

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5 thoughts on “Wanting a Baby!!!!

  1. Maybe Hubby won’t talk about it because he feels guilty. You speak about Hubby’s low sperm count. Maybe that makes him feel inadequate. BUT if his low sperm count was to blame then how did how come you became pregnant 13 times? You guys really need to talk. And relax. I have known at least 3 couples who went into the adoption process and then went on to be natural parents by just taking the focus off the main problem. I was adopted myself, and honestly, it was the best thing that could have possibly happened to me. Try to relax and expect the best. I know it’s hard. And please don’t make it Hub’s problem. Men are very vulnerable, and need to be cut a little slack once in a while too. Give him a hug and let him know that you love him the best no matter what………..

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    • I never have and never will blame my hubby for our infertility…I blame myself every time for the miscarriages as the babies I lost were in my uterus so it was solely my responsibility to take care of them and I failed every time…

      I wrote this post to try and help other men and women who are going through infertility and to highlight that no matter what feelings we have during infertility journey are normal..

      Xx

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  2. Hey.I’ve just read your post on depression as well. I suffered from depression and tried counselling but didn’t get on with the woman. I tried it again the next year with a different person and she was lovely and really helped me. I was on anti-depressants (not Prozac) as well. I really think that you should keep trying counselling until you find the right person. Depression & stress don’t help fertility so you should focus on getting yourself better. I know this sounds obvious but counselling will give you someone to talk to, since you can’t talk to your husband. Sounds like you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Good luck xxx

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  3. Also, I was just wondering what you are doing to lose weight? I’m sure you know that doesn’t help fertility either. I put on loads of weight when I was depressed so depression and weight is a vicious circle. I’ve now lost 2 stone 9 lbs through Slimming World and I’ve got another 11 lbs to go. I still get quite down sometimes but going to slimming really cheers me up as the consultant and group are so supportive. Losing weight has made me more comfortable in myself and my main goal is also to be a healthy weight to get pregnant. Email me if you want to know about Slimming World.xx

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  4. Hi. Found your blog through Amazon (Fearless Knitting link), and I stumbled upon your post about wanting a baby. I feel your pain, although my hubby and I didn’t go through such infertility as you and hubby have. We tried for 1.5 yrs before I got pregnant and then miscarried at 6 weeks. Three months later, after going neurotic with OPKs, temping, etc., we conceived our son who’s now 3.5 yrs old. When he was around 10 months old, however, we had started passively trying again, and it took over 2 years to get pregnant with my now 8 week old son. So, it’s been a long journey (although not as long as yours). But I know what you mean–there are babies everywhere, and when having problems with having a successful pregnancy, it’s the most sad thing to have smacked in your face wherever you go. I really don’t have any advice for you that you haven’t already heard. All I can do is wish you the best of luck at figuring out the root cause of your family’s infertility, and that you will soon be blessed with a beautiful baby! Good luck!

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