I want to live in my Dream World….

The past month has not been the best in my life…I wish I could hit the delete button on it and start afresh…

It all started with hubby telephoning Liverpool Women’s Hospital to arrange my UNK Cell Biopsy. I had been using an Ovulation Predictor Test for nearly 3 weeks and it finally indicated that I had ovulated so as per the instructions on the leaflet I had been given hubby telephoned up to make an appointment. He was told that they no longer did the test…We were gobsmacked!!!

For those of you who may not know what the UNK Cell Test is I will tell you…It is a biopsy of the lining on my womb to see if I had too many UNK Cells…If I did then it would explain why I keep miscarrying and why we are having such difficulty in successfully having a baby and also why our ICSI cycles and IUI cycles had failed.

This test was the last test we could have to find out if it was to blame why we have been struggling to fall pregnant and stay pregnant for the past 13 years…I had been pinning all of my hopes on this test as I did not se that there was anywhere else we could go with regards to our Infertility.

Anyway, hubby rang someone at the Infertility unit to try and find out why they had stopped the test and if there was anywhere else we could get it done. He was told that the doctor who did the test had left the hospital and they would get back to us once they knew if there was anywhere else that did the test.

The end of last week we had the telephone call…it was not good news, there is nowhere else that does the test and she did not know what to advise us to do apart from making an appointment to see our Infertility Specialist. The Specialist in question is off for ten days on Bereavement leave so we will have to telephone then to make the appointment.

I found this very difficult to get my head around as I feel that there is nowhere else left to go or any hope of my ever having a baby without this test. I know the test may have come back normal but at least then I would know what I was up against. Without this test I do not see any point in going through our last cycle of ICSI..

I found this devastating and I was in a very rocky place emotionally and mentally…I spent a couple of days quite depressed and just wanted to hide away until things were better.

Last week I found out my sister had gone into hospital to have here baby and I found this very difficult to deal with also…Things just seemed to be getting too much for me to cope with.

On Friday I managed to pluck up the courage to go and see my niece which was lukily in my sister’s house as I had been dreading having to face the maternity ward and wasn’t sure I would be able to cope with seeing all those other pregnant women and little babies. I must admit I coped well with seeing my niece.

The next thing that hit me hard was Mother’s Day…I always find it difficult to get through, so we celebrated on Thursday by hubby taking me out for the day to buy some yummy new yarn, this cheered me up somewhat as it took my mind off of things, but by Friday morning I was feeling pretty depressed again.

I spent Saturday feeling very numb and not looking forward to Mother’s Day…I spent all weekend crying my eyes out and was glad when Sunday evening ended. I was hoping that with all of these things over and done with I would be able to begin feeling more normal…

When hubby came home from work this afternoon he came and told me that someone had slashed one of the tyres on my car during the night…I had not been out in my car since Friday evening and the tyre was fine then and hubby said the car was definitely okay up until he went out to get our takeaway last night, so it was during the night that it had happened.

I live out of town and also out of the way…the only way you would go past my house is if you intended to as there is only one way up and down to where I live…whoever had done it had gone out of there way to do it on purpose… Hubby said he was going to take the wheel down to the tyre depot to get it sorted out and confirmed that it had definitely been slashed..

He telephoned me about half an hour later and confirmed that someone had done it on purpose and the cut had gone right the way through the wall of the tyre so we would need a new tyre….I told him to go to the Police station on his way back to report it in case anything else happened…

What has bugged me about this incident is that I have not fallen out with anyone and I keep myself to myself…I hardly ever go out apart from to my knitting meetings or out shopping with my hubby, so I have no idea who has got it in for me….

The Police said there was nothing they could do (which I knew anyway) but did say that it looked like it was definitely premeditated due to where I live and said they would arrange for a patrol car to go past the house a couple of times during the night…

I am really hoping nothing else goes wrong as at this moment in time I feel like I could not cope with anything else going wrong…I am at rock bottom at the moment and don’t have the energy to deal with anything else…

My GP wants to put me on anti-depressants but since we may go down the adoption route this is not an option for me…I have found counselling not much use as I am fully aware of why I am feeling like this…anyone who has had 10 miscarriages, 2 failed ICSI cycles and gone through Infertility for 13 years would also feel like this…

I am missing all of my little angels like crazy and if I had my way I would have all of them here with me now…I know I need to find the strength to carry on from somewhere but at the moment I have no idea where I am going to find it…All I want to do is sleep so that it doesn’t hurt anymore and then at least I will have my little angels with me in my dreams…

I want to live in my dream world…the real world sucks!!!!

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2 thoughts on “I want to live in my Dream World….

  1. By way of twitters, followers + links, I found myself here reading about your sadness. We are strangers, but I am sincerely sorry about your Troubles. With all that you are dealing with, I imagine your Dream World sounds perfect. Sometimes th Real World is ugly + difficult. It is hard to understand th randomness of what happens to us. It really is. Each of us deals with different things. Sometimes it is one thing at a time; sometimes things pile up. I myself have said out loud: one thing at a time, please, god. One thing at a time. …life ebbs + flows: good + sometimes bad or sad. It’s hard to understand th “why” of it when it happens.whether it is random act of violence or nature, we may never know “why”. We struggle, cry, scream + then, a light begins to shine. Our burden is lightened + we can breathe + take a step out again. We are not so raw or likely to burst into tears at th grocery shop or on th job. I guess what I want you to know is that I wish you well. Surround yourself with people + things that make you happy. I wish you strength + comfort + courage when you need them. Know that life in th Real World will get better. For th majority, th Real World has a lot of beauty + things to be grateful for + happy about… ((( Hugs ))) karen [I’m karengenie on twitter]

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  2. I just wanted to say hang in there.
    Take care of yourself and take one day at a time.
    Your infertility journey is particularly hard and long. It would be impossible not to be worn down by it.
    Be kind to yourself. Care for yourself the best way you can until you have the strength to pick yourself up again and find a path forwards.
    I’m sending you all my best wishes and hope life feels a little easier soon.
    Take care. Claire

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