Feeling Like A Big Failure

Yet again this month I am not pregnant….It has been 13 years since I began trying for a baby and every month seems to get harder and harder to cope with my failure….

This month has been extremely difficult to come to terms with as it was my 13th wedding anniversary and also the 13th anniversary of trying to get pregnant…

The past 4 months I have been taking Prednisone daily in the hope that it would help me get pregnant….and if I did fall pregnant then hopefully it would help me stay pregnant instead of my usual miscarriages….

Prednisone is a steroid and is supposed to control the NK Cells in my blood…If you have too many NK Cells then it can hinder pregnancy and cause miscarriages as they would attack the fetus and eventually kill it…the reason it would attack the fetus is because it would treat it as a foreign object which should not be there…

The past few months I have had numerous side effects taking Prednisone…the worse one is weight gain along with my face turning into a moon shape…At the moment I hate my figure and face more than I have ever done…My face has gotten huge and I am swollen all over….no matter how much I cut my calorie count I still gain weight..

Every day I say to myself “it will be worth it if I get a baby out of it”..but tonight I feel like this is never going to happen…It was only a couple of days ago that I found out I wasn’t pregnant (again)…and with one thing and another it has really gotten me down…

Everyone is commenting on my weight gain and telling me I should lose weight…I just wish they would tell me how I am supposed to do this whilst still taking Prednisone…

I desperately want a baby and will do whatever it takes…I have been through sooo much and don’t know what to do next….I have had numerous IUI’s…taken Clomid whilst having more IUI’s…gone through countless painful and degrading tests and procedures and of course my 2 failed ICSI cycles….

It is easy for men, they don’t have to go through all the embarassing tests and procedures…they don’t understand how difficult and upsetting it is to have the daily reminder of not being pregnant especially when it is that time of the month….

I feel such a failure everytime I see a pregnant woman or a baby…what makes it worse is that some women don’t deserve children, they are so quick to palm them off onto anyone that will look after them and don’t understand how lucky they are to have a baby….if there is a God then he has a warped sense of humour as it is often the women that would make the best mother’s that have the problems having babies…

As for me…..I guess I will keep taking the Prednisone and keep gaining the weight in the hope that it will work next month and my dream of being a mother will come true….

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