Every year I find Christmas difficult to cope with. By the beginning of December I usually try and make sure that all the presents are bought, cards and written and everything is organised..not this year.
For some reason this year everything has slipped. I have hardly bought any presents, haven’t written the cards and am not organised at all. I have been putting it off for as long as I could, but my father came up yesterday and decided it was time to get the decorations out of the attic and put up..I definitely was not ready but did not have much choice.
He didn’t just help hubby get them out of the attic, he also decided the ceiling decorations were going up before he left. The house looked like a bomb had hit it and off he went home (after having some lunch of course). What followed was a couple of hours of my half-heartedly starting to put the decorations up.
We have a lot of decorations, we have fibre optic fairies, santas, wreaths, houses, window lights, 3 christmas trees (yes 3) and of course the rope lights that go up outside, oh don’t forget all the tinsel. Usually I enjoy putting this decorations up but not this year, this year I am hating it.
Every decoration, piece of tinsel that goes up reminds me that yet again there is no child in the house. I can’t get out of my head the pictures of the little embryos that I lost during the IVF. I have spent most of the day crying and basically having a minor breakdown which resulted in my going in the bathroom and sitting on the floor in the dark crying. I just didn’t feel like I could cope with Christmas this year.
Christmas is a very difficult time for people suffering with infertility, I have been going through it for 13 years and at the moment I just want to hibernate (it doesn’t help that I am full of cold again). I don’t want to see or speak to anyone as not many people understand what it feels like. I have no energy and am dreading each day more and more.
I have tried to get most of my Christmas presents online as I can’t stand the thought of being stuck in queues in shops waiting to pay, it is much easier. As far as writing the cards go, they will eventually get done and I have until the 20th of December to post them.
I miss all of the little angels I have lost and wish they were all here with me!!!