It was Mother’s Day here in the UK a couple of weeks ago and true to form it brought on my depression. What didn’t help was coming down with the “Norovirus” and also finding out I wasn’t pregnant on the Monday by the usual crippling uterine cramps.
Thanks to the Norovirus I spent most of Mother’s Day sleeping on the couch on my own as hubby was working. The rest of the week was spent pretty much the same way. It wasn’t until Thursday that I felt better and the depression hit…hard…
I managed to keep myself quite busy up until Sunday when I spent the day on my own as hubby went to an Amateur Radio Rally in Blackpool and everything came to a head. I spent the day crying and wondering the usual question “why me???”.
Mother’s Day is one of the many celebrations of the year that affects Infertile couples across the globe with despair…Whilst billions of families are celebrating being a mother a large proportion of the world will be curled up on the couch crying at the unfairness of life.
We sit and cry, and then cry some more…nothing helps, no matter how many hugs or kisses we get, our hearts will still be breaking. Some will cope better than others, some will even be able to pretend that everything is okay and we may even believe it for a while, but when we sit alone at the end of the day the emptiness will re-appear.
I foolishly spent the week leading upto Mother’s Day thinking I may be pregnant, by the weekend it was obvious that I was fooling myself and I had to try and come to terms that yet again I wasn’t pregnant. For 14 years I have gone through this and fear that another 14 years will be the same.
I can’t stop thinking about the many babies that I have lost through miscarriage. With the loss of each baby a small part of me has died with them and so has a small piece of hope.
I know that one day I am going to have to come to terms with the fact that I may never have a child of my own. I may never have a little boy/girl to make me a Mother’s Day card or to come and wake me up in the early hours of Christmas morning all excited. But until that day every month I will build up my hopes that that month is going to be the month that I am pregnant and then see those hopes die as it dawns on me that it isn’t meant to be again….