3

Infertility Sucks!!!

It was Mother’s Day here in the UK a couple of weeks ago and true to form it brought on my depression. What didn’t help was coming down with the “Norovirus” and also finding out I wasn’t pregnant on the Monday by the usual crippling uterine cramps.

Thanks to the Norovirus I spent most of Mother’s Day sleeping on the couch on my own as hubby was working. The rest of the week was spent pretty much the same way. It wasn’t until Thursday that I felt better and the depression hit…hard…

I managed to keep myself quite busy up until Sunday when I spent the day on my own as hubby went to an Amateur Radio Rally in Blackpool and everything came to a head. I spent the day crying and wondering the usual question “why me???”.

Mother’s Day is one of the many celebrations of the year that affects Infertile couples across the globe with despair…Whilst billions of families are celebrating being a mother a large proportion of the world will be curled up on the couch crying at the unfairness of life.

We sit and cry, and then cry some more…nothing helps, no matter how many hugs or kisses we get, our hearts will still be breaking. Some will cope better than others, some will even be able to pretend that everything is okay and we may even believe it for a while, but when we sit alone at the end of the day the emptiness will re-appear.

I foolishly spent the week leading upto Mother’s Day thinking I may be pregnant, by the weekend it was obvious that I was fooling myself and I had to try and come to terms that yet again I wasn’t pregnant. For 14 years I have gone through this and fear that another 14 years will be the same.

I can’t stop thinking about the many babies that I have lost through miscarriage. With the loss of each baby a small part of me has died with them and so has a small piece of hope.

I know that one day I am going to have to come to terms with the fact that I may never have a child of my own. I may never have a little boy/girl to make me a Mother’s Day card or to come and wake me up in the early hours of Christmas morning all excited. But until that day every month I will build up my hopes that that month is going to be the month that I am pregnant and then see those hopes die as it dawns on me that it isn’t meant to be again….

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3

Christmas and Infertility

Every year I find Christmas difficult to cope with. By the beginning of December I usually try and make sure that all the presents are bought, cards and written and everything is organised..not this year.

For some reason this year everything has slipped. I have hardly bought any presents, haven’t written the cards and am not organised at all. I have been putting it off for as long as I could, but my father came up yesterday and decided it was time to get the decorations out of the attic and put up..I definitely was not ready but did not have much choice.

He didn’t just help hubby get them out of the attic, he also decided the ceiling decorations were going up before he left. The house looked like a bomb had hit it and off he went home (after having some lunch of course). What followed was a couple of hours of my half-heartedly starting to put the decorations up.

We have a lot of decorations, we have fibre optic fairies, santas, wreaths, houses, window lights, 3 christmas trees (yes 3) and of course the rope lights that go up outside, oh don’t forget all the tinsel. Usually I enjoy putting this decorations up but not this year, this year I am hating it.

Every decoration, piece of tinsel that goes up reminds me that yet again there is no child in the house. I can’t get out of my head the pictures of the little embryos that I lost during the IVF. I have spent most of the day crying and basically having a minor breakdown which resulted in my going in the bathroom and sitting on the floor in the dark crying. I just didn’t feel like I could cope with Christmas this year.

Christmas is a very difficult time for people suffering with infertility, I have been going through it for 13 years and at the moment I just want to hibernate (it doesn’t help that I am full of cold again). I don’t want to see or speak to anyone as not many people understand what it feels like. I have no energy and am dreading each day more and more.

I have tried to get most of my Christmas presents online as I can’t stand the thought of being stuck in queues in shops waiting to pay, it is much easier. As far as writing the cards go, they will eventually get done and I have until the 20th of December to post them.

I miss all of the little angels I have lost and wish they were all here with me!!!

2

Feeling Like A Big Failure

Yet again this month I am not pregnant….It has been 13 years since I began trying for a baby and every month seems to get harder and harder to cope with my failure….

This month has been extremely difficult to come to terms with as it was my 13th wedding anniversary and also the 13th anniversary of trying to get pregnant…

The past 4 months I have been taking Prednisone daily in the hope that it would help me get pregnant….and if I did fall pregnant then hopefully it would help me stay pregnant instead of my usual miscarriages….

Prednisone is a steroid and is supposed to control the NK Cells in my blood…If you have too many NK Cells then it can hinder pregnancy and cause miscarriages as they would attack the fetus and eventually kill it…the reason it would attack the fetus is because it would treat it as a foreign object which should not be there…

The past few months I have had numerous side effects taking Prednisone…the worse one is weight gain along with my face turning into a moon shape…At the moment I hate my figure and face more than I have ever done…My face has gotten huge and I am swollen all over….no matter how much I cut my calorie count I still gain weight..

Every day I say to myself “it will be worth it if I get a baby out of it”..but tonight I feel like this is never going to happen…It was only a couple of days ago that I found out I wasn’t pregnant (again)…and with one thing and another it has really gotten me down…

Everyone is commenting on my weight gain and telling me I should lose weight…I just wish they would tell me how I am supposed to do this whilst still taking Prednisone…

I desperately want a baby and will do whatever it takes…I have been through sooo much and don’t know what to do next….I have had numerous IUI’s…taken Clomid whilst having more IUI’s…gone through countless painful and degrading tests and procedures and of course my 2 failed ICSI cycles….

It is easy for men, they don’t have to go through all the embarassing tests and procedures…they don’t understand how difficult and upsetting it is to have the daily reminder of not being pregnant especially when it is that time of the month….

I feel such a failure everytime I see a pregnant woman or a baby…what makes it worse is that some women don’t deserve children, they are so quick to palm them off onto anyone that will look after them and don’t understand how lucky they are to have a baby….if there is a God then he has a warped sense of humour as it is often the women that would make the best mother’s that have the problems having babies…

As for me…..I guess I will keep taking the Prednisone and keep gaining the weight in the hope that it will work next month and my dream of being a mother will come true….

2

Coping with A Miscarriage

The past week I have been reading books on Miscarriages…The first book is a definite must if you have had a Miscarriage whilst going through Infertility…It is entitled “Miscarriage after Infertility…A Woman’s Guide to Coping” and is by “Margaret Comerford Freda/Carrie F Semelsberger”…

The book is only 80 pages long and has 11 Chapters but it is brilliant…It truly does go through all the stages of grief you may go through during or after a miscarriage…I have personally gone through every stage from the “anger” through to the “feeling numb”…It also has little excerpts on how other women have coped and how they felt during this painful time…

The second book is entitled “Miscarriage…Women’s Experiences and Needs” and is by “Christine Moulder”. I am only on Chapter 3 of this book but am loving it…The one thing I have found really helpful with this book is that it has been written in the UK which is really unusual…It explains how the NHS deals with miscarriages and their shortfalls..(and there are a lot)…

This book has 242 pages and every page has a world of knowledge and comfort…It was really interesting to read how other women have coped with miscarriages and how they felt whilst going through it…

I have learnt a few things during my 11 miscarriages….the first is something which bugs me…Whenever I have told family/friends that I have had a miscarriage they change the subject…It is as though they don’t want to acknowlege the loss of a baby…I have yet to have a conversation with family/friends where they have been very supportive or understanding…They simply change the subject and don’t talk about it…

This really bugs me as it makes me feel sooooo alone when I need their comfort and support the most….No matter what stage you have a miscarriage it is still a loss of a baby…I know that it is classed as a embryo/foetus rather than a baby, but to me it is still a baby…From the moment I think I am pregnant I talk to and nurture the little bundle of joy in my tummy (and pray a lot)…

If someone tells you they have had a miscarriage please don’t change the subject…offer your support, a shoulder to cry on…anything which you would normally do if someone is grieving after a death…because that is what they are doing, grieving after the death of their baby, they may not have held the baby, but believe you me to them it is a baby..

Something else I have learnt is that with every miscarriage you may react differently…with all of mine I have refused to believe that I have lost the baby and every time the pains/bleeding stop I kid myself that maybe this time the baby is still safe inside of me…I know I am just putting off the inevitable upset but it is as if I can’t let go or rather I don’t want to let go of my baby…

One thing I have found which helps is to buy/make something to remember the baby by…The first baby I lost I bought a gold teddy bear chain…the second time a rose bush…etc etc…This last time I bought a cherry tree and my hubby and I planted it this afternoon in the garden…The most comforting item I have bought is a little teddy bear…when I am feeling really down I curl up in bed and snuggle with it..

I guess what I really want to say in this post is that no matter how early/late your miscarriage is it is a loss…No matter how you deal with it, it is alright…do what makes you feel better as at this time it is important for you to try and come to terms with the loss, no matter how long it takes it is okay to grieve..And most importantly PLEASE if someone tells you they have had a miscarriage treat that person the same as you would if they had lost someone that was born as it is still a death and that person still needs to grieve…just because there is no body it doesn’t make the grief any less real…

If you would like to talk to me about this post then please don’t hesitate in emailing me and I will try and help you as much as I can..I am lucky I have found some wonderful people on Ravelry/Facebook/FertilityFriends that understand what I have gone through and it helps a great deal so please don’t go through this painful/upsetting time alone there are people out there that understand what/how you are feeling…

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Yet Another Miscarriage!!

This afternoon I suffered my 11th miscarriage in 13 years…I was 7 weeks pregnant and am totally gutted…

I have spent the majority of the day crying and moping about getting lots of cuddle off of my youngest dog..

I had really hoped that this time it would be different…I had all the usual symptoms…the smell of certain foods made me feel sick…I was off certain food…the usual pain I get in my cervix and of course the sore boobs…

I should have known it wouldn’t work out, it never does and I am well and truly beginning to give up on all hope of ever carrying a baby to full term…This has really hit me hard and I don’t know how I am going to get through it all this time…

If anyone has any answers how to get through this please let me know…as it is I have had a couple of books suggested to me to read, so I have ordered them from Amazon Marketplace this evening…

I am still waiting for Liverpool Women’s Hospital to find a replacement Specialist to continue with the UnK Cells Uterine Biopsy tests and we have enough money to pay for one last go at ICSI….

If you would like to help me raise money for my ICSI treatment (all tests I have taken are now private, and they are not cheap) you can either leave a small donation via the Paypal button at the right hand side of this message or have a look at my Etsy store over at

That is about it for now, I will try and post again soon when I feel upto it…xxxx

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I want to live in my Dream World….

The past month has not been the best in my life…I wish I could hit the delete button on it and start afresh…

It all started with hubby telephoning Liverpool Women’s Hospital to arrange my UNK Cell Biopsy. I had been using an Ovulation Predictor Test for nearly 3 weeks and it finally indicated that I had ovulated so as per the instructions on the leaflet I had been given hubby telephoned up to make an appointment. He was told that they no longer did the test…We were gobsmacked!!!

For those of you who may not know what the UNK Cell Test is I will tell you…It is a biopsy of the lining on my womb to see if I had too many UNK Cells…If I did then it would explain why I keep miscarrying and why we are having such difficulty in successfully having a baby and also why our ICSI cycles and IUI cycles had failed.

This test was the last test we could have to find out if it was to blame why we have been struggling to fall pregnant and stay pregnant for the past 13 years…I had been pinning all of my hopes on this test as I did not se that there was anywhere else we could go with regards to our Infertility.

Anyway, hubby rang someone at the Infertility unit to try and find out why they had stopped the test and if there was anywhere else we could get it done. He was told that the doctor who did the test had left the hospital and they would get back to us once they knew if there was anywhere else that did the test.

The end of last week we had the telephone call…it was not good news, there is nowhere else that does the test and she did not know what to advise us to do apart from making an appointment to see our Infertility Specialist. The Specialist in question is off for ten days on Bereavement leave so we will have to telephone then to make the appointment.

I found this very difficult to get my head around as I feel that there is nowhere else left to go or any hope of my ever having a baby without this test. I know the test may have come back normal but at least then I would know what I was up against. Without this test I do not see any point in going through our last cycle of ICSI..

I found this devastating and I was in a very rocky place emotionally and mentally…I spent a couple of days quite depressed and just wanted to hide away until things were better.

Last week I found out my sister had gone into hospital to have here baby and I found this very difficult to deal with also…Things just seemed to be getting too much for me to cope with.

On Friday I managed to pluck up the courage to go and see my niece which was lukily in my sister’s house as I had been dreading having to face the maternity ward and wasn’t sure I would be able to cope with seeing all those other pregnant women and little babies. I must admit I coped well with seeing my niece.

The next thing that hit me hard was Mother’s Day…I always find it difficult to get through, so we celebrated on Thursday by hubby taking me out for the day to buy some yummy new yarn, this cheered me up somewhat as it took my mind off of things, but by Friday morning I was feeling pretty depressed again.

I spent Saturday feeling very numb and not looking forward to Mother’s Day…I spent all weekend crying my eyes out and was glad when Sunday evening ended. I was hoping that with all of these things over and done with I would be able to begin feeling more normal…

When hubby came home from work this afternoon he came and told me that someone had slashed one of the tyres on my car during the night…I had not been out in my car since Friday evening and the tyre was fine then and hubby said the car was definitely okay up until he went out to get our takeaway last night, so it was during the night that it had happened.

I live out of town and also out of the way…the only way you would go past my house is if you intended to as there is only one way up and down to where I live…whoever had done it had gone out of there way to do it on purpose… Hubby said he was going to take the wheel down to the tyre depot to get it sorted out and confirmed that it had definitely been slashed..

He telephoned me about half an hour later and confirmed that someone had done it on purpose and the cut had gone right the way through the wall of the tyre so we would need a new tyre….I told him to go to the Police station on his way back to report it in case anything else happened…

What has bugged me about this incident is that I have not fallen out with anyone and I keep myself to myself…I hardly ever go out apart from to my knitting meetings or out shopping with my hubby, so I have no idea who has got it in for me….

The Police said there was nothing they could do (which I knew anyway) but did say that it looked like it was definitely premeditated due to where I live and said they would arrange for a patrol car to go past the house a couple of times during the night…

I am really hoping nothing else goes wrong as at this moment in time I feel like I could not cope with anything else going wrong…I am at rock bottom at the moment and don’t have the energy to deal with anything else…

My GP wants to put me on anti-depressants but since we may go down the adoption route this is not an option for me…I have found counselling not much use as I am fully aware of why I am feeling like this…anyone who has had 10 miscarriages, 2 failed ICSI cycles and gone through Infertility for 13 years would also feel like this…

I am missing all of my little angels like crazy and if I had my way I would have all of them here with me now…I know I need to find the strength to carry on from somewhere but at the moment I have no idea where I am going to find it…All I want to do is sleep so that it doesn’t hurt anymore and then at least I will have my little angels with me in my dreams…

I want to live in my dream world…the real world sucks!!!!

5

Wanting a Baby!!!!

Last night I found out that I wasn’t pregnant (again)!!!

I was a couple of days late this cycle and for some reason I had gotten it in my head that I was pregnant. I don’t know why, but I put down my not feeling very well and the weight gain the past month down to being pregnant.

As you can imagine I was devastated when I began bleeding last night and then woke up early hours of this morning in agony with period pains. I told my hubby and he didn’t say much!!! I know he is upset as well and says he doesn’t know what to say to make me feel better, but I really wish he would say something…the silence makes me feel so alone and I feel like I have no-one to tell how I feel.

Men deal with infertility in their own way, my hubby copes by not speaking about it…this annoys me because if he doesn’t tell me how he feels then I don’t know what to think or how to make him feel better and again I feel like I am going through it all alone.

If there are any men out there who are going through infertility with their wives/girlfriends, please talk to your wife/girlfriend….we need to know how you are feeling and we need to go through this as a couple.

My hubby and I have been trying for a baby since July 1997…13 years ago. I have had ten miscarriages in this time and 2 failed ICSI cycles.

We have had all the tests and procedures to try and find out the reason for our infertility and the only thing the doctors have comes up with is hubby’s low sperm count. This does not explain why the ICSI did not work…or why I keep miscarrying.

There is only one last procedure which we haven’t had done and that is for me to have a uterine biopsy…this is to try and find out why the embryos are not implanting properly. The procedure is very expensive and we have to pay privately to have it done.

I have been putting off having this procedure for quite a few months but cannot put it off any longer. Once I stop bleeding then I have to take a ovulation test daily to see when I ovulate, then I telephone the hospital and arrange for the biopsy. It is going to be painful and I am terrified of having it done. I find a smear test painful, so this is going to be a lot worse.

A few years I had to have a HSG test done, actually I had it done 3 times and the last time had to be stopped as it was too painful, so I went for the Lap and Dye instead…the results were clear and there was nothing wrong with uterus etc.

Once I have had the biopsy done we will have to pay privately to see our consultant to get the results of hubby’s last sperm test which had gone to America for testing…the results of these last tests will define what we do next.

A lot of people have asked me why we don’t adopt? It is a good question and I know a lot of people have adopted children but personally I want to go through pregnancy…I want to feel the baby growing inside of me and that bond. If we adopt I am scared of not bonding with the child. Also I want a baby and I know there is a shortage of babies for adoption.

Wanting a baby is on my mind 24/7 365 days a year…there are babies everywhere…on the internet, on the tv, in the shops etc…there is no way of avoiding them…everytime I see a baby I feel like crying (and many a time I do go and cry)…

Life can be so cruel and I often wonder what I have done that is so bad that I don’t deserve a baby. I wish I knew!!!

If you are reading this and are going through infertility, please know that you are not alone…those feelings you have when you see a baby or a pregnant woman are normal, you are not going mad. Feeling jealous when a friend or someone you know falls pregnant is totally normal. I wish I could tell you how to cope but I can’t (if you know the answer please tell me). I suffer from depression and infertility definitely makes it a lot worse.

All I can suggest is that you do what you need to do to protect yourself from the hurt…people may tell you to be strong and not to be so weak, these people do not know what they are talking about, if they did they would not say it. You are strong if you weren’t then you wouldn’t have gotten this far through your infertility journey.

One last thing I will say is that you are not alone, if you need to talk then please email me and I will help you as much as I can….