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I’M BACK!!

After a long hiatus I am back blogging.

A know a lot of you will have thought I had dropped off the face of the earth, but alas I am still here and have got a lot to tell you.

Since I last blogged I have left the shop in Criccieth and am selling my fibre in a shop locally and my handknitted shawls and socks in a local craft centre. Sales haven’t been too bad for the Summer, but am hoping now the colder weather and darker nights are here that my sales will increase.

My eldest dog, Barney had to be put to sleep earlier in the year as he was riddled with Cancer and had a heart murmur. He lasted well and was a good age and I still miss him as he was a great cuddler. I now only have the one dog left and that is my little baby Dino.

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My niece has grown up a lot since I last blogged and she is a right little character. She has a dirty laugh like my sister and is growing up just like her. She even likes shopping like her mummy did.

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I’m still knitting, spinning and dyeing fibre and will tell you a bit about what I’ve been working on next time.

That’s about all for now. Don’t forget you can buy what I make over at my Etsy shop

Until next time, stay warm and safe.

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A Sad Time

I thought it was about time I began blogging again as it has been 7 months since I blogged last. The reason I haven’t blogged is firstly I was unwell for a couple of months, then it was Christmas and then there was a death in my family.

Back in February my sister passed away suddenly in her sleep. My father found her on the Sunday morning, but thankfully my 3 year old niece wasn’t there, she was sleeping in her father’s house that weekend. My sister was 31 years old. They couldn’t find the cause of death so there is going to be an inquest in August.

Below is a picture of my sister which was taken last year at my niece’s christening.

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The past few months have been very difficult, my niece misses her mummy a lot and it is heartbreaking when she cries wanting her mummy. We all miss her a great deal.

Today was Father’s Day so I invited my mum and dad and niece for a BBQ with my husband and I. We had lots of fun with my niece and had some nice food and some even nicer wine. Below are some pictures from today.

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As you can see we all had fun.

Well, that’s about it for now, I’m hoping to blog again soon with some pictures of things I have been making and I might even put up a coupon code for my Etsy Store

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My Sweet Little Angel

In February 1996 I sufferd my first miscarriage.

This miscarriage more than any of the others that has always stuck in my head and made me feel guilty. Some people say it wasn’t my fault, but I was one the one that climbed onto the toilet seat to close the bathroom window and fell. An hour later I began bleeding and a visit to the doctor’s and an ultrasound later confirmed that the little sac in my uterus had gone.

A few years later I came across a website called Virtual Memorials. I immediately created a memorial for my little angel, you can visit my little angels memorial by clicking here.

Every Valentine I say a special prayer for my little angel.

October 5th 1996 I should have been giving birth to my first child, that day was a very sad day for me as the guilt I had been feeling since the miscarriage finally mounted and I fell into a deep depression.

I managed to pull myself out of this depression and carry on. Christmas that year was tough, everywhere I went there were children excited and parents buying presents for their children to wrap up and put under the Christmas tree. I did not have a child anymore.

This October 5th I would have been celebrating my child’s 15th birthday. Instead of celebrating and spoiling my child I will be sitting at home snuggling with my two dogs thinking about my sweet little angel up in heaven.

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The Schuyler Project

Last year I had a private message on Ravelry from a lady who was part of “The Shuyler Project” telling me that I had been chosen for a comfort blanket and asking if it was okay with me. I of course said I would be honoured to receive such a blanket as I know how long it takes to knit something like this.

In the Spring I received a parcel which was a total surprise for me as I had totally forgotten about the blanket. I of course hurriedly opened the parcel and this gorgeous blanket was enclosed.

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I found the following on The Schuyler Project website.

“The Schuyler Blanket Project originated as the Tammany Blanket Project on Ravelry shortly after I lost my daughter, Schuyler. Several of my friends, ?real life? and ?online? wanted to help my husband and I, but were not sure how. They decided to contribute their time and talent to create a blanket in which Mike and I could wrap up. We feel as if we are wrapped in a warm, loving hug each time we use our precious blanket.
I was so touched by the loving, generous spirit of my friends that I wanted to pay it forward. I asked the same women and men who made my blanket if they would help me bring a little comfort to other grieving parents. The response was overwhelming. In the last eighteen months, we have made or are making over twenty blankets for parents who have lost children of all ages. Their stories are all different, but their heartbreak is all the same. Nothing will ever replace their children, but we hope that through our work, we can let these ?angel parents? know that they are not alone and that their children are not forgotten.”

I would like to give a big thank you to all of the ladies that worked on my blanket and now that Winter is almost here I am looking forward to snuggling under it on the cold and wet days that are ahead.

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Infertility Sucks!!!

It was Mother’s Day here in the UK a couple of weeks ago and true to form it brought on my depression. What didn’t help was coming down with the “Norovirus” and also finding out I wasn’t pregnant on the Monday by the usual crippling uterine cramps.

Thanks to the Norovirus I spent most of Mother’s Day sleeping on the couch on my own as hubby was working. The rest of the week was spent pretty much the same way. It wasn’t until Thursday that I felt better and the depression hit…hard…

I managed to keep myself quite busy up until Sunday when I spent the day on my own as hubby went to an Amateur Radio Rally in Blackpool and everything came to a head. I spent the day crying and wondering the usual question “why me???”.

Mother’s Day is one of the many celebrations of the year that affects Infertile couples across the globe with despair…Whilst billions of families are celebrating being a mother a large proportion of the world will be curled up on the couch crying at the unfairness of life.

We sit and cry, and then cry some more…nothing helps, no matter how many hugs or kisses we get, our hearts will still be breaking. Some will cope better than others, some will even be able to pretend that everything is okay and we may even believe it for a while, but when we sit alone at the end of the day the emptiness will re-appear.

I foolishly spent the week leading upto Mother’s Day thinking I may be pregnant, by the weekend it was obvious that I was fooling myself and I had to try and come to terms that yet again I wasn’t pregnant. For 14 years I have gone through this and fear that another 14 years will be the same.

I can’t stop thinking about the many babies that I have lost through miscarriage. With the loss of each baby a small part of me has died with them and so has a small piece of hope.

I know that one day I am going to have to come to terms with the fact that I may never have a child of my own. I may never have a little boy/girl to make me a Mother’s Day card or to come and wake me up in the early hours of Christmas morning all excited. But until that day every month I will build up my hopes that that month is going to be the month that I am pregnant and then see those hopes die as it dawns on me that it isn’t meant to be again….

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Happy 1st Birthday!!!

On the 11th of March my gorgeous niece turned 1. It doesn’t feel like a whole year since she was born. She is a truely loving little girl who I adore and would do anything for and I wish I got to see her more often.

Anyway, as it was her 1st birthday and she likes the Teletubbies I decided to knit (yes, knit) all 4 of the Teletubbies. So I searched my stash for the appropriate colours and the colours I didn’t have I bought and I am pleased to introduce Dipsy, Po, Laa Laa and Tinky Winky.

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I also found the really cute “Baby Mine” pattern the Yarnharlot.

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So of course I knitted it up. It is a bit big for my niece at the moment, but in a couple of months it will fit her perfectly.

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TO MY GORGEOUS NIECE!!!!

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Coping with A Miscarriage

The past week I have been reading books on Miscarriages…The first book is a definite must if you have had a Miscarriage whilst going through Infertility…It is entitled “Miscarriage after Infertility…A Woman’s Guide to Coping” and is by “Margaret Comerford Freda/Carrie F Semelsberger”…

The book is only 80 pages long and has 11 Chapters but it is brilliant…It truly does go through all the stages of grief you may go through during or after a miscarriage…I have personally gone through every stage from the “anger” through to the “feeling numb”…It also has little excerpts on how other women have coped and how they felt during this painful time…

The second book is entitled “Miscarriage…Women’s Experiences and Needs” and is by “Christine Moulder”. I am only on Chapter 3 of this book but am loving it…The one thing I have found really helpful with this book is that it has been written in the UK which is really unusual…It explains how the NHS deals with miscarriages and their shortfalls..(and there are a lot)…

This book has 242 pages and every page has a world of knowledge and comfort…It was really interesting to read how other women have coped with miscarriages and how they felt whilst going through it…

I have learnt a few things during my 11 miscarriages….the first is something which bugs me…Whenever I have told family/friends that I have had a miscarriage they change the subject…It is as though they don’t want to acknowlege the loss of a baby…I have yet to have a conversation with family/friends where they have been very supportive or understanding…They simply change the subject and don’t talk about it…

This really bugs me as it makes me feel sooooo alone when I need their comfort and support the most….No matter what stage you have a miscarriage it is still a loss of a baby…I know that it is classed as a embryo/foetus rather than a baby, but to me it is still a baby…From the moment I think I am pregnant I talk to and nurture the little bundle of joy in my tummy (and pray a lot)…

If someone tells you they have had a miscarriage please don’t change the subject…offer your support, a shoulder to cry on…anything which you would normally do if someone is grieving after a death…because that is what they are doing, grieving after the death of their baby, they may not have held the baby, but believe you me to them it is a baby..

Something else I have learnt is that with every miscarriage you may react differently…with all of mine I have refused to believe that I have lost the baby and every time the pains/bleeding stop I kid myself that maybe this time the baby is still safe inside of me…I know I am just putting off the inevitable upset but it is as if I can’t let go or rather I don’t want to let go of my baby…

One thing I have found which helps is to buy/make something to remember the baby by…The first baby I lost I bought a gold teddy bear chain…the second time a rose bush…etc etc…This last time I bought a cherry tree and my hubby and I planted it this afternoon in the garden…The most comforting item I have bought is a little teddy bear…when I am feeling really down I curl up in bed and snuggle with it..

I guess what I really want to say in this post is that no matter how early/late your miscarriage is it is a loss…No matter how you deal with it, it is alright…do what makes you feel better as at this time it is important for you to try and come to terms with the loss, no matter how long it takes it is okay to grieve..And most importantly PLEASE if someone tells you they have had a miscarriage treat that person the same as you would if they had lost someone that was born as it is still a death and that person still needs to grieve…just because there is no body it doesn’t make the grief any less real…

If you would like to talk to me about this post then please don’t hesitate in emailing me and I will try and help you as much as I can..I am lucky I have found some wonderful people on Ravelry/Facebook/FertilityFriends that understand what I have gone through and it helps a great deal so please don’t go through this painful/upsetting time alone there are people out there that understand what/how you are feeling…